Definitions

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food & you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can & look sad & let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end & inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs & try to push the lid off w/your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded w/margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume & moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: 2-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush & dash out, bark loudly & run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves & falls into the bushes, & you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in & they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, & following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled w/paper, envelopes, & old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket & strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up & down the front of the sofa & wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls & themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously & frequently.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when combined w/The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely & w/out restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can sniff their crotch.