Dear Fellow Dog Enthusiast, does it seem like every time  you try and post a question or  comment to a dog list, you get yourself into trouble? If so, then this list is for you. If you religiously follow all  of the rules on this Official DON'T list, you'll never  get in trouble again.

~~ The Official Dog Enthusiast's  DON'T List ~~
DON'T let your dog sleep in  your bed. It will cause aggression  problems down the road.
DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate.  Crate is just another word  for small cage.
DON'T let your dog sleep outside at  night. If God had wanted dogs  to sleep outside, he would have  covered their body with hair to keep  them warm.
DON'T let your dog sleep. You  should be playing with him all the  time.
DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each  individual dog requires  considerable time and energy, and  it is impossible for a responsible dog owner to spend quality time  with more than two dogs.
DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs  are pack animals, and five  dogs is the minimum number for  proper socialization.
DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble  is the invention of evil capitalists who want your money, and kibble  has no nutritional  value whatsoever. You might  as well feed your dog sawdust.
DON'T cook your dog's meat or  chicken. Cooking destroys all the  nutrients.
DON'T feed your dog raw meat or  raw chicken. Raw food contains  salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.
DON'T let your dog drink out  of a plastic bowl. It will turn his nose pink.
DON'T poke your eye with a  sharp stick. It has nothing to do with dogs, but it's a  good rule nonetheless.
DON'T microchip your dog. A  nearby cell phone can cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the tattoo booth.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear.  A dog thief will cut off the tattooed ear.
DON'T tattoo your dog on the  thigh. He'll be a tripod before you can say Ginsu.
DON'T keep a collar on your  dog when unattended. He could get caught on something and choke.
DON'T leave your dog unattended  without a collar. He could run  away without any identification.
DON'T transport your dog in a  plastic crate. Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.
DON'T transport your dog in a  wire crate. In a car accident, a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you plan  to have a car accident, it's  acceptable to use a plastic crate.
DON'T let your dog drive. It's  against the law in many states.
DON'T enter your dog in  conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.
DON'T enter your dog in obedience.  It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B."
DON'T enter your dog in agility. The  jumps will injure his joints.
DON'T send your dog out with a  handler. Only a psychopath would send  their beloved pet with a complete  stranger.
DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've  got a great dog, and he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.
DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much  inbreeding has produced dogs with temperament and health problems.
DON'T get a mutt. You don't know  anything about their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about  getting a dog, get a cat instead.
DON'T don't. That's right, you  heard me, just don't!
DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws  intact. He will rip one off jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.
DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws.  Dewclaws are acupuncture points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys. 
DON'T teach your dog to beg. Next thing you know he will be on the corner with a tin cup and sunglasses.
DON'T teach your dog to play dead, this can lead to premature burial.
DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs  use their whiskers to determine the size of their head, which is important when they are out shopping  for a new hat!
AND, the #1 DON'T .... 
DON'T post messages to a dog  list. You will surely get bopped  on the head for thinking that someone else cares about your silly little opinions.