"Lament of a Lady Who's Gone To The Dogs"


There was a time, there really was,
When I was young and tender
When show dog meant a Disney star,
And "bitch" was not a gender.

I went to bed at half past ten.
I went to church on Sunday.
On Saturday I baked the beans,
And did the wash on Monday.

But then I got a certain pup,
And an erstwhile friend said, "show!"
And so I did, and so I do,
Oh, what I didn't know!"

Once I dressed with flair and style,
That was the life, don't knock it!
Now every dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket!

I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume
I used to smell like Nuit d'Amour,
Now I smell like Mr. Groom!

My furniture was haute décor;
My pets, a tank of guppies,
Now I've furniture unstuffed,
And well adjusted puppies.

I used to long for furs and jewels
And a figure classed as super,
But now, the thing I yearn for most
Is a nice new pooper scooper!

I was taught to be well groomed,
No matter where I went --
Now all the grooming that I do
Is in the handler's tent!

While once I spoke in pristine prose,
In dulcet tones and frail -
I now am using language
That would turn a sailor pale.

I adored a man who murmured verse,
Through intimate little dinners -
But now the words I thrill to hear
Are just three - "Best of Winners!"

I rise at dawn and pack the car -
The road ahead's a long one.
The one I've routed on the map's
Invariably the wrong one.

I really love my doggy life.
I wouldn't care to change it -
But when I get that Best in Show
I could maybe rearrange it.

An when my days on earth are done
I'll go without much nudging.
Just give me three weeks closing date
And let me know who's judging!