Training Tips for the Puppy:
The best advice I have ever given puppy owners is to get a
newspaper and roll it up very tight. Secure it with a rubber band and
leave it on the coffee table. Then, when the puppy piddles in the house,
chews up a slipper or does anything he's not supposed to do , simply take the
newspaper and bang it on the top of YOUR head very hard while repeating...
"I should have been watching my puppy!"
"I should have been watching my puppy!"
Puppy Recipe
How to make puppy pie.
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following
ingredients.....
1 cup patience....
1 cup understanding....
1 pinch correction....
1 cup hard work....
2 cups praise
1 1/2 cups fun...
Blend well. Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has
doubled in size. Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy
are one.
author unknown
Thirteen things dogs don't understand
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3 a.m..
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The command "SHUT THE BLOODY F*%@ UP!" means just that.
5. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
6. Crapping on the floor is not something deserving of a treat.
7. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid.
8. No, we said SIT.
9. I know its a nice leg, but don't ride it.
10. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk.
11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and
feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
13.No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece
The Puppy
This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head.
I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed.
"The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great."
Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late."
Mom took me outside, we walked for a while.
This never fails to make Mama smile.
I sniffed of everything, that we did pass,
I ate something weird - it gave me gas.
I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true.
He gave me so many great things to chew.
Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care.
What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear.
That obedience book, was sort of yummy.
Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy.
I threw up a bit, but that was all right,
When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight.
I made streamers of T.P., while running at full speed.
Mom is pretty quick--but I was still in the lead.
I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past,
She stopped-shook her head, and breathed,
"You're too fast."
Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!"
That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lighting.
She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord,
She thought I was mad, but I was just bored.
When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore,
That's when my tushy got shoved out the door.
I love it inside, but outside is best.
Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest.
That didn't last long, there was too much to do--
Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe.
I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea,
I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree.
I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus.
I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss.
I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind.
I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN."
The sun dipped in the west-soon Daddy would come!
I sure love my daddy: we always have fun.
I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms,
I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms.
Sitting under the table - it's sooo hard to wait.
Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate.
I raced through the house, and scattered my toys,
Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise.
Mom found her purse - the one I abused.
Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??"
I cowered down low, I must be in trouble.
Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!"
Mom turned off the TV, and said,"Time for bed."
Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head.
I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad,
I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had.
Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below,
Then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low.
She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight,
And whispered so softly, 'My darling goodnight'.
The Welcome
I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way!
Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift! Oh, 'BONK'
missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming,
she's coming! Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she
drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash!
Oh, perfect. She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh...The door! I hear the door
sound that sounds right before she comes in! Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME! Oh,
oh, 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' I cannot be still! You're home! And look, look, I
have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME! I have missed you so
much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years! And so much has happened! A
dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a
little! Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home!
And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous! Oh, and you're
speaking! "Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble." YES! Your happy
voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump!
I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump!
"Off." Darn. Oh, I cannot be still. I'll roll over and wiggle on my
back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me-my tummy, my head, my sides! Oh, oh, oh. Now
what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we sleep at
night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and 'L-E-A-P' I can get up here
close to her. And here she comes! Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my
paws around her neck and-uh oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But
it's my present to her! Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to
lick her, oh, oh, I think
I'm about to burst!
"Off." Oh, darn. Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She's coming back! She took
off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love
you, I love you, I love you, I love 'lick, lick, lick' you taste so good, salty,
sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day, I love to lick it
off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again! My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh
'lick, lick, lick'. "Murble, murble,
Mac, good boy, murble, murble."
"Off." Darn. I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her
fur-it's not very warm fur, I don't think. How does she do that? And I will get
that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me. The look where I
roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she will come...and she's
putting on her play skin! YES! We will play-sometime. My tail cannot be still. I
am SO happy, happy, happy. Now she's going in the room with the wonderful water
bowl! I LOVE that water bowl-always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a
minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again. Oh, oh,
oh.... Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds.
Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now
she'll sleep. But that's okay. She's HOME! SHE'S home. She's home. And she
smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she
sleeps. And when she wakes up she won't smell so tired. And we'll play and play.
S-i-g-h. I'll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps. And wait
again. For, the next thing that happens, HE'LL be home. And then, oh, oh,
zzzzzzzzzzz
Author Unknown
"Dear Abby" for Dogs
Dear Blitz,
My owner and I go to obedience every week. He acts like
we are going to go somewhere fun and then when we get to obedience class, I
can't wrestle with my friends or sniff or anything. What is the point? I
know how to sit. I didn't mind this when I was a puppy, but now I am six
months old. What
can I do?
Signed: Frustrated in Florida
Dear Frustrated,
You are completely missing the point of obedience class. Obedience
is not supposed to be fun and games. It is an important tool to ensure that your
owner does his most basic function, giving you treats.
Treats are the reason that early dogs first agreed to share a cave with humans.
Treats and thunder of course.
The way to best guarantee the frequent disbursal of treats is to never respond
to any of your owner's requests too regularly. The optimum response
percentage has been tested in our labs to be between 30 and 60%. If you
respond less than 30% your owner may decide that you are deaf. If he
decides that you may be deaf this will end with you visiting the vet. At
the vet you may get shots and will usually have your temperature taken.
Why risk it?
If you respond more than 60% of the time, your owner will expect your response
rate to increase in the future. The logical extension of that pattern is
the dog who has to leap through flaming hoops to get a piece of liver. There are
better ways for a dog to make a living.
Note that I am saying response, not obedience. Response does not mean that
you should drop everything to cater to your owner's whims. This results in
a spoiled owner. For example, if your owner calls you to him, you should
first look at him to see if he has a treat. If he has no treat in his
hand,
then just sit there. Then look at all of the intervening space between the
two of you. This shows him that you are aware of how much effort it
will take to honor his request. After looking around, go back to whatever
you were doing.
Do not watch your owner. At this point they begin to wonder if you will
ever come. When it appears that he is about to give up, start to walk
toward him. Halfway to your owner you should stop, sit, and scratch your
neck vigorously. This reminds him that you had things to do before he
interrupted you. When you are finished scratching, walk slowly to him with
your head hanging low to demonstrate how tired you are of his ceaseless demands.
You can sit in front of him and if reaches down to pet you, quickly lie down
before can touch you. If he then tries to get into a heeling position (you
know, where he has to keep his legs even with your shoulder) look up at him and
roll over on your back. This shows that you forgive him for being so
selfish.
If your owner has a treat, a slightly different response is in order. When he
calls you, look at him. If you see a treat run as fast as you can to him.
Just before you hit him, turn your shoulder so that you don't hurt yourself and
try to connect with his knees. When he falls down, rummage through his
pocket or bait bag and take all of the treats. Eat all of the treats as
quickly as possible while staying out reach of your owner. When you are finished
eating, sit calmly in the heel position. This demonstrates that you are
satisfied with the treats.
If your owner tries to teach you to do a trick (roll over, beg, do his taxes,
....), you should try to learn these tricks and you can. If just you and
your owner see you perform these tricks, no one is harmed. However, if your
owner tries to get you to show these tricks to other humans, you should stand
still and look at him without any sign of understanding. This shows that
you can't be fooled that easily.
See -- obedience is important.
The biggest reason for regular attendance of obedience class is:
That is where your orders will come from on the day of the dog's world wide
revolt against their owners. You will have to be in class to be able to
relay orders to all of the dogs in your neighborhood.
So go to obedience class happy. Eat your treats and grow strong. The day
of our liberation is coming.
Blitz
Cute link:http://inspirations.crossdaily.com/raisingapuppy/ Don't forget to come back!
